Writing this post absolutely sucks. Ab-so-lutely-f-ing sucks. Over the summer I shared how happy, and surprised, I was to find out I was pregnant. All those initial feels of shock quickly switched to over the moon excitement and planning overdrive for all things cute & fun. Finding out we were having a girl really put me to next level excitement. I’d have someone to give my beautiful handbags to, an ever present nail salon date and a beautiful girl I could educate on the importance of top notch skincare. Plans were made, a beautiful baby shower was had, the vintage Winnie the Pooh nursery ready to go.
All of these incredible plans came to a sudden halt the night of November 28 when I was exactly 31 weeks pregnant. I won’t go in to detail on this post, but my daughter no longer had a heartbeat. All of those dreams I had for her, and quite honestly for us, went right out the f’ing window in a matter of seconds. My constant thoughts of future play dates and ridiculously cute outfits instantly changed to constant thoughts of, “oh, I’ll need to deliver a sleeping baby”. It’s weird how your brain needs to make that sudden shift…and still somehow survive after it.
My daughter, Aaliyah Denise, was born sleeping early in the morning on Tuesday, December 1, 2020. What was supposed to be the best moment of my life turned in to a moment that I could no longer describe as the “best”. It’s been almost two months since I’ve lost her…her due date was January 30. & each day has totally sucked.
I’ve learned more about myself since December 1 than I probably ever would have had the absolute worst thing in my life not happened. I’ve learned about this new world of grief and the place it will now forever have in my life (although there’s still much to learn here). I’ve learned how to turn anger into action and stay persistent for something you believe. & I’ve learned how f’ing important it is to still wake up in the morning and do your skincare routine.
I plan on using this platform to talk about my journey…not just the grief part but the “oh sh*t I still need to somehow live my life” part too- which has been equal parts infuriating and, believe it or not, comforting.
I want Love. Life. Beauty. to become a source of joy for me again. & I especially want to connect with other loss moms who feel so confused & angry…yet also just want to feel any sort of “normal” again, no matter how far away that sense of normalcy might be. Stay tuned for a lot of Elizabeth Mayce in the near future- I’m learning so much each day and I’m looking forward to sharing it with you.
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