End of January I shared some pretty sh*tty news on here, I lost my daughter Aaliyah at 31w pregnant. Love. Life. Beauty. will certainly be taking a new direction with some posts- a direction I never thought would touch me. I want to share both my grief journey and my new every day life, which, believe it or not, still kinda involves skincare and makeup. It’s a super weird and interesting dance between living daily life and just wanting to do absolutely nothing.
If you’ve experienced loss, any type of loss, I’m sure you know this feeling. When we lose someone we love we mourn and we grieve. I really didn’t focus on the difference between the two until they both totally smacked me in the face. Do you know the difference?
Simply put, mourning is the outward expression of sadness and emotion. Grief is the inner ish- the feelings and emotions that we don’t always realize are happening but 100% are whether we realize it or not. This is why I titled this post, Grief is…Strange, because…it is. For me, it’s a weird ebb and flow of feeling 100% not okay one second and then 100% okay the next…for like, the whole f’ing day. This is all new to me, I have no idea what my body and mind are doing, which is why I’m saying it’s strange…I’m just getting used to this new pattern and how to handle it.
I’ve been reading so much about the grief journey after baby loss & it’s pretty intense. I much rather be reading about how to keep your sanity with a newborn but, here we are. The baby loss community is way larger than I ever could have thought and has given me so many different perspectives on this new, and, to be frank, unwanted journey in my life. I’m only a couple months into this process, so it’s still relatively fresh…which means I’m kinda all over the map and still figuring myself out.
There’s no timeline for figuring out your grief journey and there’s no right or wrong way to figure it out either. It’s about taking it day by day and, in those early days, just surviving. Zoe Clarke-Coates is an author who focuses on baby loss- I follow her on Instagram and I love how much I can relate to her postings & all she has to say. The quote below resonated with me in the beginning of this grief journey when I really was just trying to make it to the next day.
Each day is so drastically different and I’m able to keep it together a lot better two months in than I was a week or two in. This might sound a tad conceited (I don’t care), but I’m always super put together, organized and 99.9% of the time I feel I know what I’m doing with life. All of that went out the window when I lost Aaliyah and I felt I couldn’t control it even if I tried. I feared “being broken”. I thought I already was broken and I felt there was absolutely no way to put me back together. On some days I still feel this way, but as I move through that type of day I learn a little bit more about who I know am now and what that means for me moving forward. I’m slowly figuring out what I need most to make it through those days to set the next day up for a bit more success.
Reading (I’ll share most on this in another post) and connecting with other loss moms on Facebook groups has really helped me the past month. Knowing that you’re on your own personal grief journey, but that others are on theirs right beside you, is a really strange feeling in the beginning. I look at where I am two months in and in hearing and reading other women’s stories I can try to envision where I want to be two years in.
The process involves work, a lot of it, and some may not be ready to put in that work so early and that’s totally fine too! My number one drive is having my daughter Aaliyah see me functioning as close to the old me as possible and handling this the best I can. I’ve done quite a few things since losing her that has involved me channeling my anger in to action and, for me, I know that will be a huge part of my grief journey. I want to share this journey on Love. Life. Beauty. in an effort to help anyone else who is experiencing a grief journey- related to baby loss or not. & at the end of the day, I realize it’s something I also need to do for me as I figure all of this out and put myself back together.
I’ll end this post with an action item- something you can do right now, no matter how you’re feeling. Stop and think of 5 things you’re grateful for– even if you’re hurting so bad it feels impossible. Do it- it’s only 5 things and could take less than a minute. This little practice has been huge for me when I feel like the world sucks so bad and I’m angry. It might help you too, even if it’s challenging to do at first- it’ll get easier with time, just trust the process.
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